Fix My Eyes
I wanted to SCREAM.
Rage boiled inside of me; the heat of it moved towards my heart in a way that felt like a threatening pursuit to scorch the tender flesh within me. My thoughts raced alongside my thundering pulse, fueling the fire that raged through my veins.
My fists, balled up on my lap, clenched tighter; my breaths rushed out faster.
Outside the veil of my anger, the enemy’s malevolent smile grew wider watching me unravel.
My chest heaved, trying to catch my breath. Flint hit steel within me once moreas my gasps sparked another fire, and the inferno raged brighter. I opened my mouth, with every intention to vent this trapped feeling with a scream. However, before the flames could reach my heart, I heard a voice within it whisper:
“I am your refuge…”
The fire roared back waiting expectedly to be unleashed. But now? I wanted to…cry.
My breath came out in a skittering sob as a single tear rolled down my cheek. The coolness instantly extinguished the fire. Out of the ash, hurt emerged. I realized anger had the guardian of my pain; a defender awaiting any reason to fight. I was lashing out instead of tending to what was breaking within me.
In the moment it felt better. But I was moving further away from God, and the enemy knew it.
But my Abba knew what I needed – it was safety and love and grace. And in His presence, there was plenty of what my heart so deeply craved. Because even at our worst, God loves us.
I took a long, deep breath, and began praying,
inviting God into the chaos of my feelings.
Maggie wrote beautifully about David last week, and I want to further dive deeper into one of the most iconic figures in the Bible because he was a man of MANY emotions. He experienced joy, sorrow, fear, anger, anxiety, and depression all throughout his life, and he shared it with us in scripture. As a shepherd, warrior, king, and poet, David's life was a complex tapestry of highs and lows.
Reading through Psalms is something I frequently swing back to because of how much I need the reminders and accountability to seek God. But in the last few weeks, a new perspective struck me: I realized just how raw and deeply David felt when he did. For example:
Sadness and Depression
Many of David’s psalms are laments, expressing sadness and distress. In Psalm 42:11, he asks, "Why, my soul, are you downcast? Why so disturbed within me?"
Psalm 13: “David cries out in despair, "How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?"
In Psalm 6: "I am worn out from my groaning. All night long I flood my bed with weeping and drench my couch with tears."
Anger and Frustration
David also experienced anger, as seen in Psalm 109, where he speaks of his enemies and calls for justice. "Appoint someone evil to oppose my enemy; let an accuser stand at his right hand. When he is tried, let him be found guilty, and may his prayers condemn him. May his days be few; may another take his place of leadership."
Fear and Anxiety
Fear and anxiety were no strangers to David. Psalm 18:4-6: "The cords of death entangled me; the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me. The cords of the grave coiled around me; the snares of death confronted me.”
And yet, there is MORE behind when David felt what he did. In the bible, David shares 73 Psalms that invite us into the inner world of his mind and heart. And yet, no matter how long he spends pouring out his feelings – no matter the heartbreaking ache of depression…the fire of anger… the temptation of fear…David ends all his writings by pointing back to God’s character and expounding on the trust he feels in how God will guide him through these tumultuous feelings and bring peace.
Psalm 56 captures this well when he was seized by the Philistines: "When I am afraid, I put my trust in you." Despite his fear, David consciously chooses to trust in God’s protection and providence. He acknowledges his fear, shares it vulnerably with God, but does not let it paralyze him or dictate his actions. David’s ability to shift his focus from his circumstances to God's goodness is a profound lesson for us.
It's the intentional response TO his emotions that sets David apart. In the same psalm where he laments feeling abandoned (Psalm 13), he concludes with trust and hope: "But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing the Lord’s praise, for he has been good to me."
David learned that his emotional pings were signals to lean in with God. He couldn’t do it alone, and he didn’t want to stay lost in what he felt. This is the game of the enemy - one I almost fell into when I let myself runaway in the anger I shared earlier.
It’s okay to pour our hearts out to God. In fact, He craves this closeness. Psalm 31:18 says:
"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
God’s pursuit of closeness with us is a testament to His loving and relational nature. From creation to the resurrection, and through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit, God continually seeks to draw near to us. His character of love, faithfulness, grace, and immanence assures us that He desires an intimate relationship with each of us. This longing calls us to respond by seeking Him in return, embracing the closeness He offers, and living in the fullness of His presence.
It is essential to feel and express our emotions. Suppressing feelings can lead to a hardened heart. However, while it is important to acknowledge our emotions, we must not let them cement our hearts or lead us to lash out against others.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
Reflect on your own emotional experiences. Are there feelings you’ve been suppressing or ignoring? How can you bring these emotions before God, trusting Him to guide you through them? What holds you back from being vulnerable with Him?
David’s life reminds us that feeling deeply is part of the human experience, but turning those feelings towards God and processing them with prayer is a step of faith and trust. As we navigate our own emotional landscapes, let us follow David's example, continually pointing back to God and relying on His strength and guidance.
Depression is not a dead end…
there is hope in God.
Fear is not a hiding place…
God is in control, and He loves you.
Anger is not your defender…
God is, and His way is better.
I can still hear that whisper…“I am your refuge.”
When the world feels overwhelming, chaotic, or threatening, seek shelter in Him. He is our safe haven, offering protection and peace that transcends understanding. The creator of your heart longs to be close to you. So share it all with Him; I know He is looking forward to walking through this wilderness with you.
